Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Truth in Advertising: A Brutally Honest Profile



This is the letter I wish I could post on the online dating services without the fear of men running screaming into the night.

Dear Prospective Boyfriend:

Are you looking for a woman who is warm, witty, loyal, fun-loving, a good listener bladdy bladdy blah? I’m all that and a bag of chips. Now here’s the rest of the story:

We all know appearances are important, but I don't like to wear make up – there will be plenty of time for that at my funeral, should my remains be in tact. My fashion sense is Couture de Targét, and I wear whatever is clean and within reach. So if you're looking for arm candy, keep looking.

How physically active are you? I am not an outdoorsy, sun-and-fun gal: I don’t mind a walk in the woods once in a while, and I love looking at the ocean, but to me, nature is mostly what I have to walk through to get to my car.

How traditional are you? Do you want marriage? As of this moment, I do not want to live with anyone or re-marry. (Who knows? This may change when we meet.) I am a unique and quirky Vixen, so don’t be disappointed if I don’t get all white-picket fence with you.

This is key: how do you feel about feelings? Because I have them. (Cue song: “Strong Enough to Be My Man.”) When they get to be a bit much, I'll just retreat for a bit instead of lashing out at you. I don’t want to worry about whether you’ll be there when I get back. By the same token, if something is bothering you, I need to know what it is so I don’t walk around wondering whether I did something wrong. Can you handle that? In exchange, I will never bother you when you need to retreat to your man-cave or have a night out with your buddies. Most importantly, I will never, ever nag or bitch you out. I think you’ll find this last bit of information useful, since I’ve been told that is a rare quality in a woman.

This profile is blunt and cranky, but it’s best to get this stuff out of the way. Because if we meet and hit it off, we can’t rely solely on our hearts - they tend to edit out the stuff we don’t want to see. (“Oh, that’s no big deal.” “He didn’t really mean that,” ad nauseam.) What I want you to see is the real me, just as I want to see the real you. Only the real me and you will do.

So let the warm, witty, conversation over café lattes, rainy nights snuggling before a blazing fire and languid strolls on the beach begin.

Like, soon?

 Did I mention that I'm not very patient?