Saturday, June 22, 2013

The Scavenging Titseeker

In the Animal Kingdom of online dating, there is a species of heterosexual male known as the “Scavenging Titseeker.” In profile pictures, this breed displays bright-colored plumage and has the ability to assume many forms. Said males have been spotted in the (convenient) wedding tux ensemble, or posed next to motorized vehicles. It’s as if they believe that somehow proximity bestows attractiveness as a halo effect: “I’m near a Jaguar, therefore I'm a Jaguar kinda guy” or “Ladies, I know how to power a motorboat, if you know what I mean.” (The “drape-across” pose on the vehicle indicates a woeful lack of understanding of female mating behavior.) Other males have been spotted bare-chested, or raising a glass of champagne while wearing only a white bathrobe. If you see a picture of a Titseeker in a white bathrobe posed next to a Jaguar, contact me immediately - these sightings are as rare as Bigfoot’s.

The Scavenging Titseeker is an impatient creature. He uses cut & paste to leave an “impersonal personal” as his calling card: the message contains no greeting or name, includes a “one-size-fits-all” compliment, and makes no mention of anything that would indicate that the female’s profile has been actually read. Finally, in order to thoroughly expedite his mission, he immediately provides contact info. By dispensing with all that annoying chatter, our Titseeker hopes to share the female’s nest within hours.  

The impersonal personal allows him to reach as many females as he can in the shortest amount of time, while exerting the least effort possible. Here is genuine example of the Titseeker’s methodology; grammatical and punctuation mishaps have not been changed:

just browsing here on the site and i saw your profile is worth a million glancing over and over again. They call me J and you can write me to my personal email (xxx.xxx.com). i probably won't be (visiting this site) everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. looks catches the eyes, but personality captures the heart.. lol!
Take care,
John


Notice how rarely this specimen bothers to capitalize? It’s almost as if he believes that using the “Shift” key would slow him down. And providing his own laugh track with a “lol”? This is a confirmation of his unworthiness as a suitor.

As pathetic as the Titseeker’s ploys may be, they are actually helpful to the female in expediting the process of elimination. Prospective female mates are known to make horrible faces in response to the Titseekers’ hapless attempts at courtship, and may sometimes call out, “Next!” This “anti-mating” cry indicates that the Titseeker has been definitively rejected. Unfortunately, the Titseeker cannot hear their cries, so he has no idea of that his efforts are wasted.

In truly an astonishing display of persistence and lack of awareness, the Scavenging Titseeker dons his plumage and presses on once more.
Savvy females can be observed scurrying for cover, saved only be the ever-present "Delete" key.