Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Gang Way for the Pirate Queen!

As many of you know, I have posted pictures of 

myself dressed as a lady pirate on several online
dating sites. Hey, you gotta stand out, right?
Well, stand out I do, and the ol' salt who begins 

his  response with, “Ahoy, me lovely!”, or 

something pirate-y, goes to the front of the line. 

Unless, of course, he asks if I can be “boarded” or 

“walk the plank,” in which case his profile gets 

tossed overboard along with the rest of the bilge.

Pirate Queen don't play that. 

Recently, though, I exchanged texts with a guy 

who could talk the pirate talk and walk the pirate

walk: he was actually building a boat. He posted a

picture of it with his dog aboard. Hmm, good with

his hands and loves animals. I was intrigued.

So I suggested we meet for a drink, and he 

replied, “Shouldn’t we chat a bit first? Get a feel

for ourselves?” OK, he's willing to take it 

slow.  Nice.

Then the conversation took a starboard turn. 

(From here on in I have corrected the spelling and 

punctuation for easy reading; italics are mine.)

“I swear you are going to be in disbelief as 

to my abilities . . . we will get to the 

attractiveness, ‘what drew our attention’

soon. Yes, I think you’re a hottie ass but

first things first.’”

Hmm. He brags about his “abilities” right off, then

becomes a bit bossy. Who died and made him 


I thought about this a while. Too long awhile for 

him, apparently, because then he sent this little


              "Also would help to respond, 

               otherwise you're

               in the life boat."

Ooooookay, definitely bossy.

My yeshiva-trained zayde used to toss out neutral 

remarks to gauge the mindset of whomever he was

having a discussion with. Little did the listener

know these casual sentences were more like hand 

grenades with the pins pulled out. Here’s what I 


        “Well, I have to go to work now. 

         I’ll talk to you later.”

How’s that for neutral?

To which he responded:  

“No hurry here . . . when you‘ve got time. 

Just don‘t hang on the phone long. Ain’t 

heard nothing about ‘bout you . . . I’m 

seeing you (were) married and just wanting

attention. You want an evening of lust, 

something fresh and fun. Adventure, 

excitement? Got (it) all for you but I don’t 

do shit blind.”

Now we see the scurvy knave for who he is. 

Thanks for being so obvious, Pirate Dick! You 

just saved me a lot of time.

Usually, you have to wait till the third date before

you find out the truth about your “first mate.” He

knows all about what I’m “wanting”? Wow! Can

you imagine if he actually met me? Think how

much he would know then! He’d even find out I 

don’t really like that kind of language right off the


I had to extricate myself from this as gently as 

possible, so I texted back:

“You are very cute & clever & 

VERY INTENSE . . . However, a mellow, 

easy-going guy is more my speed. I’m 

 sorry – it doesn’t look like it’s in the stars

for us. U R cute and should have no

problem finding a match. Best of luck in

your search, Stephanie.”

Or at least it was the most gentle letdown I could

come up with. I deserved points for not saying, 

“You sound like a real asshole.”

Welllllllll! Hell hath no fury like a pirate scorned!

Here’s his response. (I will withhold comment

until after he’s had his say.):

“Like I thought. Looking for a fake! I ain’t

that boy. I’m a man that’s fun as fuck. Step 

up and quit being scared. I too think you’re 

delicious ;p but I’m just a dude that likes 

 his life. I don’t play (games) unless it’s 

role-playing in bed or elsewhere. Not a 

mind reader. Been married three times, 

have three kids. Not a knight. Surely no 

angel not the devil, just a man that has been

hurt, loved, committed and deceived. Want

a man you’re attracted to? Tell him you’re

buying the wine. Then pick up the tab on

dinner. Stand out!

I clearly see a woman that wants (a man)

but stands in the shadows unwilling to see

the light in fear exposure to self. I’m sorry

for your pain, as I too lived my share. 

Survivor of incest. Alcoholism and wealth

is unbeatable (sic) as a child.

Where am I going with this??

I live in the present, exposed my pain, fears

and entrapment of secrecy (sic), only to

regain me and find who I (was) once.

‘So intense?’ Yes, I am for clarity at first,

intense in a life now of creativity and 

thriving endeavors. Painfully real and

TRUE to self. Courage and bravery (give

me) the mark of the PIRATE . . . entitled

with honor.

So, my dear, I regret(fully) depart your ship

as asked! Chart your destiny with truth, 

courage and integrity.”

Well, that was forty lashes with a wet text. This 

may be the first time someone was keelhauled via


Let me get this straight: I'm the type of woman 

who “stands in the shadows” for “fear of 

exposing” herself? Me?! Nobody who’s ever read 

this blog or met me would accuse me of being a

shrinking violet.  Like, ever.

Oh, right: he never actually did meet me.

Dodged that musketball, didn’t I? 

So now I say -

Be warned, all ye Pirate Dicks! Steer

clear of these waters! The Pirate Queen 

has cast off her bowlines, and she'll not

brook any foolhardy lubber while she

searches for real booty. 

Watch out, laddie, or that dead man's chest 

might be yours.