Sunday, August 12, 2012

"Cheat Sheet" for Online Profiles of Straight Men

“Wicked sense of humor”            - Asshole.

“Loves long walk at the               - Cheap
beach and quiet nights at             bastard.
home, cuddling in front
of the fire.”

"ISO a real connection               - Must have
with possible life partner."           ginormous

"My friends say I'm funny."        - Long-winded.
“Stocky build.”                          - Unable to see his  
                                                   own toes.
“Loves outdoor                          - Prepare to
activities.”                                   clean a lot of fish.
“Passionate about life.”             - Has a temper.

“I believe in achieving               - Super-critical.
the goals I set for myself.”             

(Response to question):             - "I'm creating an aura
“I’ll tell you later.”                       of mystery, since I
                                                  don't have any     
                                                  interesting stories.  
                                                  Is it working?"

“I’m honest to a fault.”              - Smug and rude.

“I consider myself a bit             - Clingy.
of a romantic.”

“Relaxed, easy-going                - Couch potato.
I am an active semi-               - "I'm looking for a
retired male who likes               future caregiver." 
to play golf."                       

See anything you like, ladies?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Truth in Advertising: A Brutally Honest Profile

This is the letter I wish I could post on the online dating services without the fear of men running screaming into the night.

Dear Prospective Boyfriend:

Are you looking for a woman who is warm, witty, loyal, fun-loving, a good listener bladdy bladdy blah? I’m all that and a bag of chips. Now here’s the rest of the story:

We all know appearances are important, but I don't like to wear make up – there will be plenty of time for that at my funeral, should my remains be in tact. My fashion sense is Couture de Targét, and I wear whatever is clean and within reach. So if you're looking for arm candy, keep looking.

How physically active are you? I am not an outdoorsy, sun-and-fun gal: I don’t mind a walk in the woods once in a while, and I love looking at the ocean, but to me, nature is mostly what I have to walk through to get to my car.

How traditional are you? Do you want marriage? As of this moment, I do not want to live with anyone or re-marry. (Who knows? This may change when we meet.) I am a unique and quirky Vixen, so don’t be disappointed if I don’t get all white-picket fence with you.

This is key: how do you feel about feelings? Because I have them. (Cue song: “Strong Enough to Be My Man.”) When they get to be a bit much, I'll just retreat for a bit instead of lashing out at you. I don’t want to worry about whether you’ll be there when I get back. By the same token, if something is bothering you, I need to know what it is so I don’t walk around wondering whether I did something wrong. Can you handle that? In exchange, I will never bother you when you need to retreat to your man-cave or have a night out with your buddies. Most importantly, I will never, ever nag or bitch you out. I think you’ll find this last bit of information useful, since I’ve been told that is a rare quality in a woman.

This profile is blunt and cranky, but it’s best to get this stuff out of the way. Because if we meet and hit it off, we can’t rely solely on our hearts - they tend to edit out the stuff we don’t want to see. (“Oh, that’s no big deal.” “He didn’t really mean that,” ad nauseam.) What I want you to see is the real me, just as I want to see the real you. Only the real me and you will do.

So let the warm, witty, conversation over café lattes, rainy nights snuggling before a blazing fire and languid strolls on the beach begin.

Like, soon?

 Did I mention that I'm not very patient?