Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Wilder Name

The quickest, most effective weight loss program ever? Easy: I left my husband. I lost over 200 pounds without having to give up ice cream.

Happily, there is a new Mrs. He's-Her-Headache-Now. I can‘t wait to unburden myself from their last name. The problem is, Landers is a totally bitchin’ appellation for instant name recognition: a few letters, two syllables, and I almost never have to spell it out over the phone.

So what to change it to?

My maiden name is out of the question: Finn. What a nightmare that was to convey, telephonically! “Like Mickey or Huckleberry,” I would plead, but this only resulted convoluted, Abbott-and-Costello-esque interchanges:

Message Taker: What was your last name again?
Me: Finn. F-I-N-N.
Message Taker: Sims?
Me: No, F as in "Frank" . . .
Message Taker: S as in "Sam". . . ?
Me: (silent, but screaming in my head) No, but I bet you have to ask for a price check at the 99 cent store!

So, a new name is needed to commemorate this new phase in my life. Hmmm: what name has international name recognition?

I got it: Einstein! Hey, everyone knows who Einstein is, right?

Then again, it does make me sound a bit full of myself, doesn’t it? And with the exception ofĂ„ getting a divorce, I’ve never done anything even remotely genius in my life.

I considered a list of people I admire: Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, Bettie Page. Meh.

Then it occured to me: I gave my middle son the middle name “Wilder” after Billy Wilder, one of my favorite filmmakers. Wilder, huh? Hmmm, easy to spell, pretty good odds that the listener would have heard the name before - and, let’s face it: this is definitely a “Wilder” time in my life.

Stephanie Wilder - I like the sound of it.

Looking forward to Wilder times ahead.